We all have one of these when it comes to picking someone as a partner at one time or another right? I think most of us do. Personally, I have picked several. However, I am friends with each and every one of them. With the exception of one.
You see, I didn't even remember him when a friend kept telling me this guy was so in love with me. How can someone love you if they do not know you?? Seriously. It was mentioned that this guy new me. I had NO clue who he was. But my friend kept insisting that he knew me, and I knew him. I just rolled my eyes and said "you better not be giving my number to some freak!!
One day I laid down to take a nap. It was the craziest thing. I was in one of those half sleep mode type of sleeps. All of a sudden, I sat straight up in bed and I had seen this boyish face with long hair. I told myself, "noooo that can't be??!!" Turns out, it certainly was!
When he came over for the first time, he wore his "mask." You know being someone he really wasn't. Actually, this happened for the first few times we hung out. As we grew closer, he started to show his true self. The more I got to know him, the more I could see a boy in a lot of pain. And then the anger issues started. Everything he said was right. Everyone else was wrong. If I started to express my feelings about something, I was called drama, or crazy.
I use to be a reactor growing up. Someone’s negative actions, would send me to react in a negative way as well. The last few years I have worked so hard on this. I didn't want to be that person. But let me tell you, the more aggressive this guy got with his anger, the more I started to react again. But I had NEVER had anyone treat me this way before. I could not wrap my brain around it. I was afraid to speak or be myself because everything upset him. He always thought I was blaming him for something. Sometimes yes. I call it like I see it. But most of the time no. It was his own guilty conscious.
He was putting his own issues on me and making it seem like I was crazy!! And I really started to feel crazy as well!! How in the world do we get ourselves into these positions? And why does it make us sad when we finally break free? Especially when it ends the way mine had. Ya I was over being cussed out and told everything that I wasn’t but that he actually was.
I decided to get up the very next morning and go pick up my things from his house, and he was in bed with his ex-girlfriend. When just the day before he was sending texts saying, "I wish you had really loved me." "I thought that we would be forever." Is that love? What do you think?? HAHAHA. It was not ok the words he spoke to me or treated me. It was emotionally abusive. Well, I got the surprise of my life when I got there. SHE herself told me all of these horrible stories about how abusive he was to her. Emotionally and physically. But I still felt like the wind was knocked out of me. It made me so emotional even though I knew I did not want to see him anymore. Maybe it was all the text messages the day before.
But what I do know is this. Hours later, I just looked at the big picture all around. I was actually thankful that it happened. It was a good thing. I may have gone back a couple more times had it not. I do feel sorry for his ex-girlfriend or girlfriend whatever it is. She had been with him for two years!!! She played me the most disgusting foul voicemails from her phone that he had left her. I knew I wouldn't allow that to happen. Two years!!! And she hadn't had enough??
If we don't respect ourselves or love ourselves and who we are, we tend to stay in negative self damaging situations. It is easier to stay in a dysfunctional relationship than it is to leave when we don't feel good about ourselves. But then, they end up worse than they were before. But I threw up the white flag and said, "YOUR THE WINNER!!"" YAY FOR YOU!!! Honestly, I am glad that it happened. I am glad that I set my mind on the right path to put it behind me. People that, have no emotion for anyone but themselves can be extremely damaging to our well being. And when we are weak, we fall into the trap. I refuse to be weak in my life anymore. It is a mindset. ONLY you can change it.
But because of all the things that had been done and said. That guy was the first ex that I will never be friends with. I think to myself "what were you thinking!!!" He isn't even on your level!! I care about people. I care about how people feel. In his own words "I don't give a fuck about anything." To me, that is a sad existence.
So, if you come across a man or I should say child, who behaves in this way, RUN, and run fast!! Hold tight to who you are!! Don't settle for someone tearing you apart and making you doubt yourself. You are worth more than that. We all deserve the exact happiness we want in this short life. Don't be afraid to go out and find it or wait for it to just happen. KNOW YOUR WORTH!!